New Tides

Life has been pretty great lately. 

I went on spring break last week, and it was really refreshing. It was not as adventurous as our break to Florida last year, but I think that was exactly what I needed. 

My former youth pastor preached two really great sermons while we were there. In fact, I really need to start listening to his podcasts because it seems that every time I listen to him I get something great from it. He has been speaking on a series called "Soul Detox". The discussions are things that you need to get out of your life. The first week he discussed the idea of removing toxic behaviors. One of those behaviors being negative thoughts, and that is definitely something that I struggle with. You can tell me one thing that I have done wrong, and twenty good things, and I will cling to that bad thing and throw away all the good things. In fact, sometimes I will even go so far that I will pick out every word you said from that one bad thing, stretching the words so that I seem way worse than I really am. I will meditate on it, and consume it for every meal until it eats away my insides and leaves me writhing in pain. So needless to say, I needed that message. 

The second message I got to hear was on removing toxic emotions or thoughts. This meant recognizing positive truths and not clinging onto negative thoughts. It also meant letting go of anger, bitterness, and fear. This was another message that I needed to hear. 

Before I left Florida I had realized that I had misplace my student i.d. and keys. I estimated that replacing all of them would cost me, at the least, $180. Which is college context really feels like thousands because every dollar is worth is worth a thousand bucks, and every quarter is worth a million, especially on laundry day. I once even heard someone offer five dollars for a dollar in quarters. So needless to say I would usually be quick to anger in a situation like this. I would beat things up, and possibly even beat myself up, whether that means mentally, emotionally, or physically. But this time I simply remembered my pastor's words, and was slow to anger. I trusted in God, and did not fear. In fact, lately God has been slowly removing my fears. Suddenly my trip to New Zealand does not take my suffocate me because of the idea of being on a plane for 24 hours, but rather takes my breath away in a whole new way, an exciting way. 

Also, when I arrived back in Cleveland I received an email about my position in Residential Life for next year. Residential Life and Housing, or Res. Life is one of the main reasons why I have not written on here. One, it makes me too busy. Two, I have so many stories but they involve my residents and for confidentiality reasons I can not share them. I was in my room talking on the phone with my dad when my former senior R.A., someone I miss very much, had yelled down the hall for me. "Dot! Dot!" I could hear her, but I could not find a way to answer since I was in the middle of a conversation with my dad, and trying to fill out FASFA with him. She came into my room filled with excitement and asked me about my job position. I told her I had not really looked at my email. But the issue was, my dad was on my computer through a connection that connects his computer to my desktop so he can do whatever he needs to. Because of this I could not access my email until he was done. I was able to ask him to pause for a moment. I read the email, but because of everything that was going on I did not completely understand it, but I was sure that it said that I was a R.A. in Nora. This was true. My former senior R.A. asked me how I felt. I had no idea how I felt. There were too many thoughts in my mind. But once she left and my dad hung up I began to feel. The thing is I applied to be senior R.A. for Nora, not R.A. So I was a little disappointed. I began to become bitter. I began to question, "Why not me?" "What have I done wrong?" "Why don't they like." I began to tear myself down by telling myself I was terrible at my job, and there was nothing I could do right. But then my pastor's words came to me, something like this, "Learn to rejoice in other's blessings. And learn to be grateful and recognize what God has done in your life. Do not let bitterness take over you." So I sat back and really began to reflect. The emotions I was experiencing was actually not bitterness or jealousy, but rather a feeling that this was unexpected and I was taken aback. Once I began to think about, this was what I wanted. I was going to be working with Freshmen again. This does not mean that I am terrible because if that was the case I would not be rehired. And once I found out who got the senior R.A. position for Nora I was incredibly excited, and realized that position belonged to her. I am proud and honored to be on staff with her next year. So all that to say that I have learned to rejoice with others and not let bitterness take over me. 

With this letting go of fear has done the most for me. It has settled my stomach disorder, which is AMAZING. But it has made life more enjoyable. When I entered my one on one with my RD unafraid of what might happen I find myself more relaxed, and really doing what I am there for. (one on ones are time where it's just me and my RD [my boss] talking about how I can grow more, and become better) I have found that classes are more enjoyable. Life is more adventurous. 

With all of this I have obtained an amazing sense of freedom that has given me a great sense of happiness. No, my life is not perfect, but I am okay with that. I am very happy to be where I am. And I am glad and completely blessed to have the life that I have. 

I have also been more devoted to my devotions. I have been doing devotions religiously almost every day. But that was it, I was doing it "religiously" and not relationally. Once I began to read with a passion to get to know God more the scripture began to really pour into my heart. 

In addition, my first time with my counselor in weeks went over really well. This was because I came in without a fearful spirit, and came in with an excited spirit. We began to discuss how we could define counseling so that we were no longer coming in each week trying to figure out what we should talk about. We discussed what two things I wanted to change about myself. I said I wanted more confidence, and a more positive self-image. With this we developed two goals that would help me to get to that point. One of those goals is that each morning I have to say to myself three things that I like about myself. This has been great. With that I have begun practicing more of this throughout the day. I have allowed myself to recognize things that I like about myself, and not pay attention to the negative thoughts. I have learned to throw away things that have been said to me that are not truth, and absorb things that are. 

Another thing that I have picked up is humility. Honestly, I believe that I have pretty much been really humble. But sometimes I mix up humility with self-pity or self-detrementing. I tear myself down and belittle myself. But this is not humility. In fact, in my youth strategies class the guest speaker said that these two things were not humble because they still included self. He said that humility was simple not thinking of oneself. I have tried practicing that they last few days, and I have found that it really helps. I actually feel more value within myself when I think less about myself. 

The last thing I will tell you is about one great adventure I had today. To most of you this will not seem very adventurous, but to me it is. Today for my Christian Ethics class we visited a nursing home. We were to talk to one of the residents for at least 25 minutes. I was very nervous. I am not very good at interacting with the elderly. I got placed with Ms. Imogene. I was very lucky because from the moment I stepped in she made me feel very welcomed. She asked me about my life, and I asked her about hers. What I learned is that she lived in the mountains of Georgia her entire life. She worked as a nurse until 1990. She has a few kids, I never go the exact number, as well as grand children. Two of her grandchildren are principals at local schools. She has one great-grandaughter who is going to need heart surgery, and she's only three months old. She moved to Cleveland because he husband needed dialysis. He passed away three years ago. She was in residential care for two months. She said that was the longest she had ever been away from home. She was injured and needed surgery, and so she was recovering in the home. But she was able to return home on Monday, and she was beyond elated. I was excited for her. Her passion for life was amazing. She made sure that in the little time that we had she poured into my life. She told me to retain as much as I could in school because no one could ever take that away from me. She told me that it was important to accept help, and that we all need to help each other in order to get along in life. She said we cannot live without each other. Her wisdom was so great, and her beautiful icy blue eyes were so young. She reminded me of my great-grandmother who passed away my freshman year of college. She made me regret not visiting my great-grandmother more often. I will never forget Imogene. I wish her the most happiness as she returns home. 

Here's a few things to take away if you must:

1. Don't allow the negative thoughts to manifest within you. Evict them and welcome in the positive

2. Let go of anger, fear, and bitterness. They are no good, and will do no good. But the only way to do so is to ask for God's help. Trust me, I've tried. 

3. If you have the opportunity, talk with the elderly. They have wisdom that you will find no where else.

4. Sit back. Relax. And enjoy this wonderful, amazing life we have been so graciously blessed with.