Oh man...
Yesterday was an interesting and emotional day for me. I intended on writing a post, but got too busy in my life. I attended a study session for my Systematic Theology II exam. I have struggled with this class since I began last semester. I have not been a Christian for long. It has almost been three years since I decided to accept Christ. Because of this I have not spent my entire life in the Church as others have, and so deep theological understandings do not come to me as quickly as they might come to others who already have a basic understanding of scripture, the atonement, Luther, Calvin, and so on. However, I have really surprised myself because for the most part I have been able to obtain a basic understanding of most of the topics in class. But the exam that we are currently studying for, which is in an hour, I do not feel like I understand any of it. I feel so inadequate and discouraged. It is the first exam of which I have no confidence that I will at least pass. So, like a good hard working student, I put off studying. I attended the study session and felt myself slowly sinking further and further into the pit of complete ignorance and stupidity. I came back, and panicked every few minutes. Finally, I got some food in my system and began to study. And then came the next addition to my panic train, the internet was completely down. There was no hope. All of the material I needed was online. So I moved on and did other schoolwork all while secretly panicking about my complete and total lack of knowledge. I skipped chapel this morning and studied instead, so we will see how it goes. It was also emotional because I watched a lot of emotional things. For instance, "Soul Surfer." Like was it necessary to cry that much?
On a brighter note counseling this morning was amazing. We have been working on what I want to accomplish. For me this is more confidence and a positive self-image or self-worth. We stated things that have kept me from it, and how I can achieve it last time. This time we focused on the risks of addressing certain items of my past. We also discussed the risk of returning to certain coping mechanisms and ideals that were not helpful to me. The conversation was tough, but it was empowering to see how far I have come, and how far I have to go. The empowerment came from how far I have come, but the excitement and inspiration came from how achievable the "how far I have to go" seems now. God is doing amazing things in my life, and I am so thankful to be along for the ride. Counseling has truly been a blessing that I will miss while I am away from school this summer. But I will be too busy being distracted by my great adventures in New Zealand to recognize those feelings of temporary loss.
Another thing I am dealing with is loss. I have a presentation coming up in my Youth Ministries Strategies class on teaching youth leaders how to deal with grief and loss amongst their youths. I have been struggling with this because I do not even know how to deal with grief myself, let alone how to teach someone how to deal with others' grief. The ultimate issue at this moment is I do not know what to say because their really is no answer. Everyone grieves differently, and everyone needs something different. Ultimately it is just about being there and trying your best. There is no easy fix equation.
Also, our teams for Res. Life next year have been decided. Some of the girls who will be new to Res. Life on our team next year have tried to initiate a time for all of us to hangout. However, I am hesitant. It is not that I do not like them, or do not want to be on their team. That is the complete opposite. I am so excited for them to discover Res. Life and all the amazing things that come with it. I am excited to watch them grow and develop. However, I am not ready to give up my current team just yet. I want to cherish these last few weeks that I have with them before most of us depart. Part of me feels like meeting up with my new team forces me to start leaving behind my old team, and I am just not ready for that. In addition, I remember last year when I was initiated onto the team. Res. Life had this big meeting where everyone who had been chosen for staff next year came together, and we all met each. We then broke off into our teams and got to know each other. Some of us knew each, but for me I did not know anyone. It was nerve-wrecking, but it was exciting. It was my first time getting to know my team, and I will always cherish that moment. I feel like meeting before this overall Res. Life meeting takes away that certain majestical element of meeting each other first the first time in context of Res. Life. I could not imagine it any other way. It is like I told my new team in a response message that I sent them, "I'm in the same boat as Emily," Emily (name changed for privacy) had previously stated that maybe we should hold off on the meeting, and if we do meet up we should all be there, not missing a few of us, "I'm eager to meet all of you, but we should all be there. I just remember what it was like to meet my team last year, and there was a sort of something that cannot be explained when we all first came together and shared our names with each other, only to realize that we're all about to embark on this amazing life-changing adventure, together. And you just don't get that when one of us is missing."
Last night, I had a very interesting dream. Part of which a friend of mine surprised me with a brand new car. She left notes to me around me house that were very amazing. Apparently she won the car, but had no need for it. So she gave it to me. This friend was someone I have not talked to in a while. She did some things to me that I have not really forgiven because I did not feel like she was really sorry. God has been bringing me through a season of forgiveness, and I think He brought her up in my dream to remind me that I need to choose to forgive her as well. I needed to accept her love, and not hold against her decisions that she had made in the past. I am learning that I am not responsible for other's decisions or actions, but I am responsible for how I react to them and how I let them affect me.
The lesson I have learned from today:
I learned that life can be rough and you can still be happy. It is okay to be happy. It okay to be stressed, worried, sad, and upset about missing people, but still be happy overall. It does not mean that all the other emotions do not matter, or that you are bipolar, it is just you choose to be happy despite the circumstances.
I have learned that I have come far, but I still have a long ways to go. The hope however, is that I can still progress, grow, and change for the better. I am capable of doing so. It can be achieved. There is a beauty within that.
I have learned the beauty in forgiveness. We all think that we want it, but really we feel much more comfortable with holding hard to grudges. We become so comfortable with our pain and anger against others that we do not want to give it up. Instead we say we forgive, but we do not. We hold on tight to our pain afraid of what it might be like if we just let it go. I have learned that amazing freedom that comes with choosing forgiveness, and I am so thankful to God for revealing it.
I have also learned that I must try my best at everything I do, and be willing to ask for help. I was struggling with my Theology exam so much that I refused to study. But this was wrong. I cannot just give up and expect help. I must rely on God, but I must also know that I honor and worship God through my work.
On a brighter note counseling this morning was amazing. We have been working on what I want to accomplish. For me this is more confidence and a positive self-image or self-worth. We stated things that have kept me from it, and how I can achieve it last time. This time we focused on the risks of addressing certain items of my past. We also discussed the risk of returning to certain coping mechanisms and ideals that were not helpful to me. The conversation was tough, but it was empowering to see how far I have come, and how far I have to go. The empowerment came from how far I have come, but the excitement and inspiration came from how achievable the "how far I have to go" seems now. God is doing amazing things in my life, and I am so thankful to be along for the ride. Counseling has truly been a blessing that I will miss while I am away from school this summer. But I will be too busy being distracted by my great adventures in New Zealand to recognize those feelings of temporary loss.
Another thing I am dealing with is loss. I have a presentation coming up in my Youth Ministries Strategies class on teaching youth leaders how to deal with grief and loss amongst their youths. I have been struggling with this because I do not even know how to deal with grief myself, let alone how to teach someone how to deal with others' grief. The ultimate issue at this moment is I do not know what to say because their really is no answer. Everyone grieves differently, and everyone needs something different. Ultimately it is just about being there and trying your best. There is no easy fix equation.
Also, our teams for Res. Life next year have been decided. Some of the girls who will be new to Res. Life on our team next year have tried to initiate a time for all of us to hangout. However, I am hesitant. It is not that I do not like them, or do not want to be on their team. That is the complete opposite. I am so excited for them to discover Res. Life and all the amazing things that come with it. I am excited to watch them grow and develop. However, I am not ready to give up my current team just yet. I want to cherish these last few weeks that I have with them before most of us depart. Part of me feels like meeting up with my new team forces me to start leaving behind my old team, and I am just not ready for that. In addition, I remember last year when I was initiated onto the team. Res. Life had this big meeting where everyone who had been chosen for staff next year came together, and we all met each. We then broke off into our teams and got to know each other. Some of us knew each, but for me I did not know anyone. It was nerve-wrecking, but it was exciting. It was my first time getting to know my team, and I will always cherish that moment. I feel like meeting before this overall Res. Life meeting takes away that certain majestical element of meeting each other first the first time in context of Res. Life. I could not imagine it any other way. It is like I told my new team in a response message that I sent them, "I'm in the same boat as Emily," Emily (name changed for privacy) had previously stated that maybe we should hold off on the meeting, and if we do meet up we should all be there, not missing a few of us, "I'm eager to meet all of you, but we should all be there. I just remember what it was like to meet my team last year, and there was a sort of something that cannot be explained when we all first came together and shared our names with each other, only to realize that we're all about to embark on this amazing life-changing adventure, together. And you just don't get that when one of us is missing."
Last night, I had a very interesting dream. Part of which a friend of mine surprised me with a brand new car. She left notes to me around me house that were very amazing. Apparently she won the car, but had no need for it. So she gave it to me. This friend was someone I have not talked to in a while. She did some things to me that I have not really forgiven because I did not feel like she was really sorry. God has been bringing me through a season of forgiveness, and I think He brought her up in my dream to remind me that I need to choose to forgive her as well. I needed to accept her love, and not hold against her decisions that she had made in the past. I am learning that I am not responsible for other's decisions or actions, but I am responsible for how I react to them and how I let them affect me.
The lesson I have learned from today:
I learned that life can be rough and you can still be happy. It is okay to be happy. It okay to be stressed, worried, sad, and upset about missing people, but still be happy overall. It does not mean that all the other emotions do not matter, or that you are bipolar, it is just you choose to be happy despite the circumstances.
I have learned that I have come far, but I still have a long ways to go. The hope however, is that I can still progress, grow, and change for the better. I am capable of doing so. It can be achieved. There is a beauty within that.
I have learned the beauty in forgiveness. We all think that we want it, but really we feel much more comfortable with holding hard to grudges. We become so comfortable with our pain and anger against others that we do not want to give it up. Instead we say we forgive, but we do not. We hold on tight to our pain afraid of what it might be like if we just let it go. I have learned that amazing freedom that comes with choosing forgiveness, and I am so thankful to God for revealing it.
I have also learned that I must try my best at everything I do, and be willing to ask for help. I was struggling with my Theology exam so much that I refused to study. But this was wrong. I cannot just give up and expect help. I must rely on God, but I must also know that I honor and worship God through my work.
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