I decided to make this blog for a few reasons. One, I wanted something to keep myself accountable. I am trying to become a better writer, and I know the only way of doing so is to just write. So I am starting this as a way to keep myself writing. Another reason is for those who want to know what I am up to. I have another blog called, "You're Killing Me Smalls" that I will continue writing blog entries on. It is and will continue to be about things that I think about I guess, I am really not sure how to explain what I write about on there, but this is meant to be kind of like a diary. Once I get to Lee University I am going to try and write an entry at least once a day, if not once a week. It will be a daily challenge. On here I will be writing about events that take place before I move, and then once I move I will be more active on here.
I am currently a student at Towson University. Towson is a great place! I just don't feel like it is the place for me. I feel the place for me is Lee University. It all started last year when my youth group made it to National Teen Talent that was held at Lee University.
When we went to regionals I was on a dance team at the youth group. The dance team did not make it to regionals, and to be honest the team could have been better. But I had the best time on that dance team, and that team saved my life. At first when I heard the group was headed to Tennessee I was excited, but I did not think that I was invited because I was not a part of the drama team that had made it. However, my youth pastor and his wife pulled me and few other kids over to their table when we were at an Applebees at Regionals to tell us that we were more than welcome to go. From then on it was nothing, but excitement. Before I had met this youth group the only major place I had gone outside of Maryland was Florida when I was seven years old, and Myrtle Beach in South Carolina. Other than that I had not really seen anywhere else, but Maryland. After Regionals that same youth group took me to Delaware, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Tennessee. I felt like I was being taken around the world! Haha, but really. Soon this summer they are going to take me to Kentucky and Georgia. I am beyond excited! So we arrive at Lee University in Tennessee, and I have no idea what I am about to get into.
Lee University was amazing! I saw so many amazing drama, musical, and other performances by multiple talented groups from all over the U.S., some places in Canada, and Jamaica. I was blown away. We stayed in the Lee University dorms which was really exciting since I was about to start college. I do not dorm at Towson, but it still excited me. We also visited Gatlinburg, and had the opportunity to go to Chattanooga, but I decided to stay behind. I got closer to some people in my youth group, and developed amazing relationships! Which was amazing! Most memorable though I somehow found myself standing up in front of all these people, and talking to them about something I really knew nothing about! God! It was amazing, scary, crazy, and something I still do not understand. I had no idea what I was saying, but I felt like I needed to say it. I am glad I did, even though I still really have no idea what I said.
Overall though I loved the school, but made it very clear that I would never go there. Multiple kids from youth kept talking about how they were going to go there, and I very boldly told them that I was NEVER going to go to Lee. I thought Towson was the place for me, and no one was going to convince me to go to a Christian college just because it is Christian. I felt like we were all cattle being forced into Christian colleges because they are the place we should go. I was totally against it. Then the fall retreat came.
The fall retreat was a retreat that our youth attends every fall, or so I have heard, at Hashua camp grounds near where I live. The youth goes there to come together and get closer to God. The fall retreat was amazing for multiple reasons. For one, as you can see, we had amazing worship services. Our college friend who had been away at Salisbury, Becky, unexpectedly showed up. A friend of our Pastor's named Jason lead worship and spoke to us, so did a few other people. We all got closer, and closer to God. I spoke, kind of, for the first time to someone. Then came the end.
All the youth leaders had lined up in a line and prayed for all of us, one by one. They all tore me apart. Especially one named Aaron. Aaron had a small bible study group that I had attended. In the bible group he talked about a book called, "Wild Goose Chase". He talked about how sometimes we think we have life figured out, and then God tells us that we need to do something that is not at all in "our" plan. At the retreat he began to pray for me. He asked God to tell me what I should be doing in life. I remember at that time thinking, "I have it all figured out. I don't know why you are praying about that. I am suppose to be doing film, and I am suppose to be at Towson." Then God told me in His own way, meaning not through words but in the way God speaks to you, that I was wrong. I did not know what I was suppose to be doing. I was not suppose to be at Towson. I was terrified and confused. I remember after everyone was done praying for me I had streams of tears running down my face, so I walked over to the wall, leaned against it, and slowly allowed my body to fall until I was sitting with my knees close to my chest. A girl named Mercedes came over to talk/pray for me. I broke down. I asked God what He wanted me to do, but God only reveals His plan in pieces, not all at once. I broke down about other things as well. About sins I had committed. I remember specifically apologizing to God for scars on my body that I had created. I was torn apart, and did not know what to do. Most of all I had no idea where I was suppose to go.
When we came back from the retreat I spent the whole Sunday at church. Everyone at church had left and gone home, and I was still there. I did not know what to do. I was lost. I did not know what I was doing at church, but I knew that I did not want to leave. I was searching for answers to questions I did not even know. Later that week I talked to my Pastor's wife Jacqueline and told her that I had decided that I wanted to transfer to a Christian college. In my mind however I was thinking. I'll take a semester off and learn more about myself, God, and where I am suppose to be then I will apply to colleges again. However, Jacqueline had other plans! She got on it immediately. She had me talk to a few other people who had attended other Christian colleges, and talked to me about Lee. I will still dead set that I was not going to Lee. However, I think I knew in my heart that, that was where I was suppose to go. I listened to others talk to me about other colleges, but I was never interested. Finally, I decided to give Lee a chance, and realized that is where I am suppose to be.
Then came the hard part, telling my family. Most of my family graduated from Towson, so the fact that I was also going there was a big deal for them. I still think it's a little hard for them to take that I am not going to graduate from there. I do want to say however, that it is a great school, and to anyone thinking of going I would highly recommend it. Also, I did not know how to tell my unChristian family about how I was deciding to leave school and go to another school because I feel that God has told me to. There really is no way to explain that. Luckily, though my family may not understand they are supportive.
Anyway, moving to Lee is a weird thing for me. I am really excited! I am excited to do things for God and with God. I am excited to be here. I am excited for it all, but I am extremely nervous. I do not want to leave those that I love. My family, my Portside family. I am really going to miss you guys. I am down at Lee University right now for Lee Day, and I cannot help but think of Portside. We drove around Lee University and all ready memories of being there with the youth are coming back. It is hard to think that I am here without them, and I am only here for a few days. It is really weird because I am all for the adventure of life. For moving from place to place, experiencing all the people that God allows you to have in your life. It has always been hard for me to miss people that have not permanently left this earth because how I saw it was God gives you people, sometimes forever, sometimes for now, and though one person may have left another one will come. Do not get me wrong however, this was something that took a long, long time of many people leaving me to figure out. Once upon a time, I did not believe in this at all. However, I have never had a group of people impact so much in the way that Portside did. Whether they know it or not each and every member of Portside means the world to me! If any of you guys are reading this I want you to know that I am really going to miss you. I want to thank you for all that you have done for me. For saving my life. For being my friend. For showing me that someone cares. Thank you for everything. I hate leaving you guys because I promised myself that I would never be the one to leave. People may leave me, but I will NEVER be the one to leave someone, and that it what I feel I am doing. It is tearing me apart. I want you guys to know, every single one of you, I love you, and I am going to miss you like you cannot believe. Please feel free to text me, message me on Facebook, or write me letters. I will always write and respond back! I love you guys, and I hope that in some way you will always be a part of my life!
So not to be abrupt, but that is the story of why I am going to Lee. I cannot wait til I am there, and I can officially start this. Thank you for reading!
