My thoughts are all over the place lately, so if this post seems to lack a sense of structure I want to offer you my sincerest apologies, and hope that you still find some sort of amusement amongst my musings.
Since returning from New Zealand my life has not been too eventful. My first few days back consisted of working, from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep, on my global perspectives trip assignment. For those of you who don't know my trip to New Zealand also fulfilled my cross cultural requirements for college. At Lee University, the University I attend, each student must submerse themselves in a culture different from their own in order to graduate. I decided on an individually arranged trip (a trip not with the University). This trip being New Zealand. In order to receive credit I had to turn in a very lengthy project. It contained pictures, news clippings, ticket stubs, journal entries, and case studies. Case studies are interviews of people of the different culture.
After submitting my project I went back to "normal" summer time life, for me. I read "The Fault in Our Stars", as well as watched the movie the day after it was released. I read "Blue Like Jazz", and loved it. I really suggest that you read it if you want a book that is very convicting, relatable, and thought provoking. I ordered my school books. Visited a few friends. Attended church. Watched a few documentaries. Played Sims. Read the Bible. Prayed. Wrote in my journal. Skimmed Facebook and other social networks. Oh, and I mowed the lawn... a lot.
Summer for me has always been the same. I don't know why I do this every summer. I don't do much over vacation, but hangout at my house and do nothing. In the most recent years however my mother has been with me. This is especially cool because it has allowed me to become closer to her. Growing up she was mostly with my sister, taking her to horse shows and such, and I was mostly with my father, so we did not have much time to get close. But now we do.
I have taken my longing to be back at school and tried to be productive with it. I have planned out parts of my upcoming semester. I have flipped through my new planner and added things like, hall reunions and basketball games. I have written letters that I plan to pass out when I return. I have kept in contact with friends from school. I have gone through my stuff and attempted to sort out what I am bringing back with me. However, this mostly just leads to stress, anxiety, and a sense of being overwhelmed. Not because I don't want to return to Lee, but because my stuff is so disorganized I don't know where to begin. As a result I freak out, leave the room, and continue to do something else. I'm very good at procrastinating and ignoring problems I don't want to address at the moment.
The other day I watched two documentaries. One was, "Craigslist Joe" and another was "Happy". I enjoyed "Craigslist Joe", but not so much "Happy". There were a few reasons I was not too fond of "Happy". One, it was not what I expected, it took more of a scientific approach than I thought it would. Two, it felt strange to me to approach happiness in such a scientific way. To suggest that happiness could be derived from genetics, or brain chemicals, I don't why, but it rubbed me weird. But "Craigslist Joe" was good. It was about a man who decided to live off Craigslist for a month to prove that community still existed. His idea of community was that people help each other out. In the end he proved his hypothesis correct, and met a lot of interesting people along the way. It was very enjoyable. I throughly enjoyed the free haircut he received towards the end, it made him look very handsome.
Another part of my summer, unfortunately, is a lot of desperate prayers to God for many things. I say unfortunate because I wish circumstances never had to come to this. But despite that, I always love being able to communicate with God. I just wish circumstances were better. It has been as simple as the heartbreaking news that some people I love may not be returning to school simply because they cannot afford to do to things that are much more complicated.
This year I developed a new perspective for cancer as it slowly made it's un-welcomed way into my life in many different forms. At the beginning of the semester I went to my campus doctor for a check up after my stomach disorder had a long flare-up mixed with some wicked acid reflux. But while there my doctor found that my thyroid was a little large. Long story short it was suspected for a long time that I possibly had thyroid cancer. However, there were no definitive answers. The more I went to doctors, the more masses I found on my body, but no answers. By the end of the first semester it felt like every day I grew weaker, and I feared that no one would ever discover what was wrong with me. In addition, some people that I hold close to my heart discovered they have cancer. When I returned home after New Zealand I went through more testing with my doctors here. They found that I have two masses in my thyroid. Both thought to be benign cysts. It is also thought that the others masses on my body are benign cysts. As a result my doctors screened me for an autoimmune disorder that runs in my family. This possibility honestly scared me because I had seen the immense amount of pain and exhaustion it has given my mother. But the results came back, and I have the genetic marker that gives me a predisposition for the auto immune disorder that could affect my skeletal, muscular, and digestive systems. The good news is cancer is pretty much wiped off the table. The bad news is, I possibly have an auto immune disorder. I don't know for sure because in order to have a definitive answer I need years of data that displays the degenerative work of the disorder on my body. However, I am excited to see what God is going to do through this.
That look upon life is something I learned from the mother of a dear friend of mine that I met this year. I love her very much, and it saddens me to know that her fight with cancer is coming to an unfortunate close. But I will continue to pray for healing everyday, and if she happens to leave us I know she'll have an incredible welcome for her up in Heaven. She has touched so many lives. There has never been a night since I heard that she was growing very ill that I have not shed a tear, but I know she has lived a good life and has fought the good fight. I love you very much Mrs. Jeanna, please tell Christ I said hello!
Basically...
I'm learning how to keep myself busy in a jobless, schoolworkless, sociallifeless, lengthy period of time. I have found that this is an amazing opportunity to work on my relationship with God, and for building upon my strengths and weaknesses.
I am learning to see the light it what seems like dark times.
I am learning to choose happiness, and understand that sometimes I will be sad. And that is okay. I just have to be careful with how I cope with that.
I am learning to be okay with illness and pain, and to look for the good that comes from it.
P.S. I have also decided to take a break from social media because I have realized that when I wake up the first thing I do is check Facebook and Instagram. Which to me is honestly no problem. But then when I challenged myself by asking if I could live without it, I hesitated, and I knew it was time to give it a break.
However, because it is the way I contact with some people I have given myself a few loopholes. For example, I have allowed myself the ability to post my blog posts. I have allowed my self to check messages, and my friend's page to see how her mom is doing. However, I am trying to not check notifications, scroll through my newsfeed, or post things. It think this will be interesting. I'll see what I do.
THE THINGS COMING UP IN MY LIFE:
-Drama practice. I forgot to mention I have started up a drama team with the youth group at my church with two of my friends.
-Dr.'s appointment to see what condition my body is in
-Return to school
I'm most likely forgetting something....
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read my words. If you enjoyed this and want to here a little about New Zealand check out my posts with the phrase "Traveling Home" in the title.
If you enjoyed this you might also enjoy my other blog http://yourekillingmesmalls23.blogspot.com/
Okay, bye!
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