It’s like my brain has a type of cancer.
But not the “normal” type that tries to kill you by mutilating your body
through cellular deformation. Instead it is a different type of cancer that
tries so hard to make me dead, and convinces me to mutilate my own body. It is
the type of cancer that creates idiotic logic such as; I will probably never
get a tattoo because I am too indecisive to commit to something on my body for
the rest of my life yet I never think twice about adding another scar. It
plants seeds of thought into my mind hoping that it will grow, and grow, and
grow until its roots are so deep that is sucks all the good things from me and
leads to my own demise.
It springs up
anytime stress comes into my life and feeds off it. It is easy to combat it
when life is pretty simple. When I just have a few things stressing me. But it
knows one of my biggest weaknesses. I am a thinker. I am constantly thinking.
So it fills my mind with all kinds of thoughts. Thoughts that seem harmless at first,
but turn out to be the worst. And then it feeds off my distortive thoughts and
turns things like “I cannot wait to be married” into “you are never going to
get married.” It convinces me that I am never going to be able to handle
“normal” life. It takes a simple semester and makes the semester debilitating
by clogging my thought process with things like, "you are the worst student" or “why worry about school? You
can’t even afford to get food right now.” “Who cares about school when you are
so worthless you can’t even provide food for yourself?” “If you can’t do that,
how do you expect to provide food for a family?” “It doesn’t even matter. No
one is going to want to marry you anyway. And you can’t have children if no one
wants to marry you. [My biggest desire in life is to be a mother] I mean who would
want to marry someone who can’t even handle a simple semester? I mean who would
want to marry you, period? You haven’t even been on a date, ever! You are 22
years old and you have never even been asked on a date! How pathetic is that?
What is wrong with you? I mean just look at your body. Look at your self!”
My mind is like
the greatest paradox. I am optimistic and have many dreams. I believe so much
in others, and I am willing to trust even when they fall short. I have so many
hopes for my life. Yet, I loathe myself. I nit-pick everything I do wrong. When
I get reprimanded it is like being hit by a bus because I hate disappointing
people, but I can handle it because I have already run myself over with a semi
about whatever it is I am in trouble for. I hate disorder and mess, yet my room
is like the aftermath of a tornado. I obsess over it, but panic anytime I reach
down to clean something up. I love to learn, but my classes are beyond
stressful and overwhelming, they’re paralyzing. And it’s like this cancer knows
it.
People talk to me
about suicide all the time, whether they know that the conversation pertains to
me or not. They talk about how it is not the answer, how it is a selfish act
that is only done to seek attention, how it is tragic, how it is nothing they
would ever wish on anyone, how it tears them apart, how they do not understand
it, or how it is only for those who are “emotional”. The thing is I know the
tragedy in suicide. It is why I fight so hard. I believe that it is NEVER the
answer. However, there are times in my life when I am so exhausted from the
battle with these thoughts and the stresses of life that I think to myself “if
I could only take a break”. That is all I want. Then the “cancer” pounces. It
convinces me that the only way to truly take a break is to sleep forever. The
only way to sleep forever is to die. That is the only answer. That is the only
way you will survive.
It makes no
sense, right?
And this is truly
my hardest war, the war with my mind.
I don’t want to
just put this out here and leave it at that. I want people to understand that
there is more to the story. This is a battle, but it is not me and it will not
win.
1. I do not want to die. Not anytime soon. I
have so much I want to see and do.
2. I believe in God and Jesus Christ (that
is a complicated statement because Jesus is God, but that’s another
conversation for another day). I believe that they are fighting for me. I
believe that they are the only reason I have not died from this suicidal
“cancer”. For truly I tell you that if it was my power alone in me, I would
have lost this fight a long time ago. And I thank God that God’s power is in
me. I am thankful that God is fighting on my behalf even when I did not believe
in Him. SO thankful.
3. I have wonderful people praying for me,
and helping through this fight. This is not something that I could have said
four years ago when I first attempted to end my life. So I am extremely
thankful that I now have God, and incredible people willing to hear my story
and fight with me. I believe in the power of prayer, and I believe that because
of the people praying for me I have gained strength to keep fighting. Thank you
for praying for me.
4. I know the positives to choosing to fight
and not succumb to the suicidal “cancer”. As I mentioned in my last point, four
years ago I attempted to end my life. However, my attempt was embarrassingly
(at the time) unsuccessful. But I am incredibly thankful that it was so
unsuccessful because I have experienced so many things since then that I could
have never predicted. I found Christ. I found a solid group of friends and
incredible youth pastors that showed me what it was to feel loved. I moved to
Tennessee, ten hours away from home, to a college I had never really heard of
much before. I traveled more of the East Coast (and mid-west I guess. I am
terrible at geographical terms) in a few months than I have in the previous
seventeen years of my life. I went to New Zealand where my father was born,
which was a lifelong dream of mine. I led a hall of incredible students at Lee
University amongst a marvelous staff (I use the word marvelous because it is
the closest word in the English language to how I feel about them). I have
found people willing to hear my story and not decide to no longer be friends with
me after hearing it. I found people willing to ride out my insanity. I found
people willing to let me call them and visit me when I stay at a hospital to
attempt to get my mind back on the right track. I started a club at a
University. I attended the wedding of a few of my favorite people. And now I
have watched one of them become a parent to an incredibly cute son. I met the
best counselor, ever (then again I’m a little biased). I am privileged to help
lead an incredible group of youth. I pay rent and have a job. (I know that
doesn’t seem like a big deal, but to me it is) I’m about to graduate, and go to
grad school. I got to do ministry in New York City. There are so many things I
have done that I would have never gotten to experience if I had been successful
that night and it has helped me fight the battle every time it roars the
loudest.
So I hope that this helps you, even if just a little. I pray
with all that is in me that you can't relate to the first part because I would never wish that on anyone. However, if
you relate, even just a tiny bit, I hope that the second part can help you. I
hope that you know that I am praying for you. Even if you do not believe in
God, and even if I do not know you, I am praying for you. And if that doesn’t
help I hope you understand what I spoke about experiencing great things after
my attempt. I hope that you realize that no one can guarantee that things will
get better, but ending your life guarantees that it won’t. I know that is
cheesy and lame, but it has helped me at my hardest times, and I hope that it
helps you. At the very least know that you can talk to me if you need to. Even
if you do not believe in Jesus or God, I honestly will not hate you for that or
judge you for it. And I know that statement might not have the much worth in it
because of other Christians who may have said that and then did exactly what
they said they wouldn’t do. I know because I once did not believe in God
myself, and thought these things about Christians myself. So I want you to feel free to talk to
me. I don’t want you to be alone in this.
If you are reading this and you are
worried about me, know that I am still in the fight and I do not intend to lose. Please pray for me. And I
would love to hear from you.
If you cannot relate to this and you
don’t even know who I am please just know that someone you know or love could
possibly be thinking like me. I desperately hope they are not. But know that
the best thing you can do is hear them out, talk with them, and know when to
get them help when they need it. Don’t be afraid to do what you think is best.
